He said to "Try Me"

So as this week has come and gone many things have transpired. Last week God was dealing with me regarding my need for control and inability to trust. All week I kept saying "yes God I will trust you."

In the process, hmm, funny there is that word again, in the process I failed to realize that God would actually put me to the test and call my bluff.

One of my biggest problems is not being able to communicate certain things to those closest to me. I am afraid to say things that may cause my loved ones to walk away from me. I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to test the waters. I don't want to ruffle any feathers. I just want to go about my day hoping and praying that they will read my mind and telepathically get my message.

Earlier this week, someone said something to me that cut me deep. I sat there as they continued to share how they were feeling and I said nothing even though I felt and knew that this wasn't all about Jennifer. The week before, I had another reminder of how unimportant I was to somebody else. I made them my priority but they didn't remember I was coming to town or to call me back. All these things began to add up and I found myself extremely tired. I wanted to run, retreat but couldn't. I didn't have my car and even when I got in my car I got pulled, then missed my exit and spent 20 minutes trying to get back to highway only to be stuck in traffic.

I sat there thinking about why this could be happening to me. What had I done to deserve to have such bad luck that morning? I was thinking about how much I cried the night before as my best friend tried to convince me that I could no longer straddle the fence. I had to make a decision. Love completely or sit on the side line scared. AGAIN. That morning I decided to take God at his word and "Try HIM". Man, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. It was almost like I was praying for patience (wont do that again).

As I drove down the road and things just kept getting progressively worse, I was at my boiling point. I was so angry that I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't understand. The more I drove, the more I asked GOD, why? What are you trying to tell me, show me, teach me? I was lead back to the place that I didn't want to be in the first place, kind of like Jonah. GOD wanted me to communicate.

Me talk. Share my thoughts. Express my feelings. Let somebody know that I too hurt. Why?? What difference does it make if I communicate or not? The longer I bucked at GOD, the longer I seemed to sit in traffic. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to let go and give it all to GOD. The longer I sat in my car, the more I realized that I was going to have to change. I was going to have to trust GOD to take care of it all and see me through.

So now I here I sit thinking, I talked now what. Why did I ask that question? Jennifer has to learn how to express herself without attacking. OK GOD. I get it. Maybe a day late but is that for me to worry about. GOD told me that I had to trust him. Sitting on the couch I cant pick up the phone and call to make sure what I was trying to say was received in the right way. My delivery was poor and I even wonder if how I felt was ever touched upon.

So where am I going with this? Malachi 3 is a scripture which is most often talked about in terms of tithes and offering. This time GOD told me, "try me and see if I will not do what I said".
As I got halfway home, the anger was gone and now I am in a place of isolation for interpretation. I am trying to figure out what it could be that GOD wants me to try. Talk Jennifer. Talk to me. Talk to her. Talk to him. Stop letting things get into your heart and spirit and develop roots that become difficult to remove.

So I did. Somewhat. But I started. I was able to speak with the people that I was just going to let say what they needed to say and not speak up for me. What has happened? One relationship has been restored and another I am just waiting for GOD. This is the hard part. Hard because I cant say or do anything else. Hard because now I am learning another lesson and getting prepared for what is next in the process. Now I can say for sure I dont want to straddle the fence. Now I can see how communication is key. Now I actually want to communicate. Communicating doesnt mean that bad things will happen. It means that I have cared enough about myself and the other person to share.

I told GOD last week that I trusted HIM. Now I am having to show HIM that I do. He said to "Try HIM" and I am.