Not Rick James' Fire and Desire. This is MY Fear and Desire.

There's a sadness that came over me the latter part of the week, right before the Labor Day Holiday. I originally blamed the sudden change in mood on hormones or working the grave yard shift filming.

As I tried to find sleep throughout the day last Friday I began to think about all the things that were happening in my life. I thought about the good and the not so good. I thought about the challenges and  the blessings. I thought about how much my life had changed in the last twelve months.

I'm sitting here now thinking about what I was doing this time last year and again, a sadness fills my heart. 

This time last year I was coordinating a runway show for Style Night Out. As the coordinator I was able to meet some new faces and train them for the runway. I styled the models, bringing to life the boutique owners vision. I walked like I was the best and only model hopping on a plane to audition for Fashion Week Brooklyn the next morning. 

Ah yes, the trip to New York City. My first trip alone to the Big Apple. I was scared but this time the fear was different. It was the feeling of fear I have now causing this current mood I'm in. I was afraid. I was afraid of not being able to live my dream of blazing the runway. 

For so long all I've ever dreamed of was walking the runway. My goals are to walk in the Victoria Secret show, New York Fashion Week and travel abroad to walk for Tom Ford and Alexander McQueen (just to name a few of my favorites). 

Walking last year for Fashion Week Brooklyn was the experience that cemented in my heart that it could be done. I auditioned. I attended the casting calls. I was selected to walk for 14 designers. At one point during the casting the lead stylist commented "Jennifer you're popular today!" 

I have to admit it felt pretty damn good to be selected. I was standing in this room, in a circle of at least one hundred beautiful women all hoping for the same thing...for the designer to say one word. YOU.

It made the days of playing kickball and waiting to be picked seem like child's play. All the days of being overlooked by the guys in high school or college didn't matter anymore. The men and women in the fashion industry that said "no Jennifer you're to big or no Jennifer you're to small" couldn't even imagine how satisfied I felt hearing that word 14 times. 

One designer I was praying to walk for overlooked me a couple of times. I remained calm but on the inside I was screaming. He came back in the room the third time and I stood up and stretched this giraffe neck of mine out as far as I could. He started to scan the room and spotted me and said words that were music to my soul. He said "you know I want YOU".  

Jennifer Michelle with Canadian Designer Franz Albana, Fashion Week Brooklyn

Inside I was doing the running man and praise dancing at the same time but I knew to keep my composure. I remained calm and said thank you. 

Now here we are today. I'm laying on my moms couch wondering when I will be able to, excuse my expression, make love to the runway again. 

I love being on the runway. I love the adrenaline. I love the feeling of walking to a beat I hear in my heart with every step I take. I love the pain I feel standing in six inch or higher stilettos for hours waiting for my turn to walk for a few seconds. 

I'm in a special love relationship with the runway. My heart aches when I can't be on the runway. Any chance I get, I take it and walk it out. 

I was recently cast for some filming work and the production team said to just walk.

I was asked to WALK!

It was as if he told me to...wait let me keep this PG. I felt as if my lover was waiting for me at the end of my stroll. With every step I felt alive. I could feel my confidence returning. I could sense the crowd watching me. I heard them oh'ing and ah'ing.

I was able to express my love again. 

I just want to walk. I want to live my life doing what I love most. 

I want to love and be loved, on and off the runway. I want to build and grow. When I leave this earth, I want people to remember how I walked what I talked. 

Like I tell the students who attend my workshops, life is my runway. There will always be an isle or sidewalk to remind me that I have to keep walking. 

This cloud hanging over my head right now, it has to keep up with me because I'm going to keep walking. 

I have to keep walking! 

Keep walking, when it's not so good. When people or businesses stiff me, keep walking. When those close to me betray me. I have to keep walking. 

I have to keep walking when I finally sign with an agency. I will keep walking when I meet a man to share this journey with me. I'm definitely going to walk for all of the world to see on Tuesday mornings when I'm hosting "Everyday Runway". 

I'm walking towards my future. I'm walking in my destiny. I'm walking because my life depends on it. 

"If you must walk, walk with purpose." Anonymous 

Photo courtesy of Kyle Murray, Stylist

Jennifer Michelle is available for runway shows and other high fashion projects in the United States and abroad. To book Jennifer email booking@jmichellemtam.com or call (347) 619-2183. 

www.jmichellemtam.com/model.html